There has been a lot of discussion lately about what’s wrong with the ALP. Some say it’s the leader, others opine that policy is the problem, while right-wing bloggers and boys in suits just have a good old chuckle at the comrades and the mates. ALP hackette, Darlene, finally emerging after a post-election break before restarting the revolution (Read Darlene’s searing swipe at the Howard Government in Really Cranky, John, of which Phillip Adams would say “She cares a bit” if he had heard of it and/or her), braved a party branch meeting and discovered that Labor’s problems go all the way down to its grassroots. What follows are the minutes of that meeting (any resemblance to anyone living is purely intentional):
Nanabour Branch of the Australian Labor Party: Minutes of Meeting
Present: Michael Michaelson-Michaels (President), Margaret Morton Michaelson-Michaels (Director of Fundraising), Arthur “Comrade” Jones (Life Member), Steven Watson (Secretary) and Deb Greer.
Visitors: Mitchell Morton MP
Apologies: None
Michael: “Thanks for that forty-five minute speech about what’s wrong with the ALP today, Arthur. As President, I am sure I speak for everyone when I say it was a truly mind-altering experience.
“With Steven’s arrival forty-four minutes and fifty-nine seconds after the meeting was due to start, we now have a quorum and can get this over with. Before we do, however, I would like to remind you that candidate preselection for Nanabour is on next month. I know I will have your vote for the three long months I have given to this branch and for the work I will do for this community once I move in; after I win of course.
“Right Margaret, a nice and short fundraising report”.
Margaret: “Well, given the lack of support I have had from so-called members it couldn’t be anything else. The Branch currently has $10.50 in its savings account, with $5.50 of that coming from raffle tickets for the poster of Simon Crean. I am sure I don’t have to tell you who won that. Karen, one of our least active members, put a deposit on the dinner with Mark Latham but asked for it back when she found out she would have to pay for his taxi to and from the hotel. Now, you know I don’t ask for credit for the hard work I do, nor do I enjoy having to communicate with the likes of Julia, Wayne, Kirsten, Kate, Jenny and all the others who have become my close friends during my time as Director of Fundraising, but why none of you got behind the disco with Kevin Rudd as DJ I will never know”.
Michael: “Thanks Margaret, an upbeat report as usual.
“State Member, Mitchell Morton, has bothered to come along tonight after arriving late last month because of that car accident thing. He will, necessarily, give us a short update on what he has been doing for the constituents of Nanabour”.
Mitchell: “Thanks Michael, and I am sure we are all looking forward to the upcoming preselection.
“Well, parliament has been sitting the last couple of weeks and the controversy surrounding the Member for Kilroy, his brother and their combined business interests failed to go away as hoped. On top of some very long sitting days, I attended functions for Meals on Wheels, Rotary, the Girl Guides, the Scouts, the local Bushcare Group, the Nanabour History Society, the Masons, the Catholic League, the Baptist Social Club, the Assemblies of God and many, many others. After the car factory closed, over fifty workers come in to the electorate office looking for assistance with accommodation, jobs and just for a shoulder to cry on. Fortunately, my beautiful second wife came in to help on really busy days, which my first wife never seemed to want to do; hey Margie?”
Michael: “I think that will do. An unusually busy month for Mitchell, wouldn’t you all agree? Does anyone have any questions they would like to put to him, and Margaret let’s not be reminded of those child support and abandonment issues again this evening.
“Arthur, you have a question about a state issue for Mitchell?”
Arthur: “Well, it is more of a statement than a question”.
Michael: “That comes as a surprise to us all, Arthur”.
Arthur: “It’s about this bloody refugee thing that everyone’s been going on about. It friggin’ kills me to say this, but I think that old coot Howard is onto something. Now you buggers know how much I care about the little bloke but this is deadset bull…”
Deb: “Fascist!”
Michael: “Thanks Deb, for your considered response and for brightening up this dingy classroom with that fetching miniskirt and crop top”.
Deb: “Sexist!”
Michael: “Anyway, let’s not waste our time talking about policy and stuff, this is a Labor Party branch meeting and not a forum for discussing things.
“Steven, Secretary’s report and pronto”.
Steven: “Well, the branch got two pieces of correspondence last month. The first was from State Office warning that if we don’t get more than six members they will shut us down. The second was a returned meeting notification. Sorry Michael, I think I got your address wrong again this month”.
Michael: “Thanks Steven. Fortunately the beautiful Deb let me know about the meeting when I dropped over to her place last Friday night to, ummm, give her the latest letterbox drop”.
Margaret: “Adulterer”.
Michael: “Thanks Margaret. If nobody has got any further business, and I trust nobody has got any further business, we’ll call it a night. If this Branch still exists, I will see you next month”.
Arthur: “Great meeting tonight, mate“.
Steven: “Achieved a lot I reckon, mate“.
Arthur: “Yeh, bloody good turn out too. See ya next month, mate“.
Steven: “Yep, see ya mate“.
Darlene can be contacted at darlene@onlineopinion.com.au or go to http://darlenetaylor.blogspot.com